Tuesday, November 20, 2012

...And the Rest.

Glen Doherty, Tyrone Woods, and Sean Smith.

You got that? Because I'm really disgusted by the words "Christopher Stevens and three other Americans." I don't care if you are in the media or just some schmuck trying to bullshit your way through a discussion of Benghazi and Susan Rice. Learn their names if the topic matters to you so much.

We Dug a Hole

A world to the wise isn't necessary.
It's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

You're Just Pushing the Darkness Around

Are we still really discussing why Republicans lost? 

This is very simple so let's end the mystery now and be done with it: Unless you are very rich, the conservative agenda sucks, and because most voters aren't rich, more people voted for Obama.

If you're still trying to figure out Why, you need to stop believing conservative media. They know the truth, and so should you. Change the channel. Please.

I can explain it to you, 
but I can't understand it for you.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

All the Money in the World Can't Guarantee a Sure Thing.

'It could be tonight,' he thought as he stood in the corner pretending to have a good time. He would find out tonight. All his young life, he had dreamed of a position like this. The White House, Commander in Chief, The President. "President", by the way, is spelled with an "s". The President has power. Real, executive Power.

Now as for personality traits, he needed none. He just had to lie about his position on the issues and lie all the time. 

To arrive at this moment he had traveled vast distances enduring many hardships. A summer in France to avoid going to war, tuna and pasta, debates with crazy people, you name it.

Inside his head, he could see it. It was perfect. He knew almost nothing about the people and they didn't know much more about him. It was exactly how it was supposed to be.

He brought the clan of stupid to his Boston Headquarters. The lights were soft, the moment was right. Then they leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Do you love me?"

Thoughts raced through his mind. Did they really want him? What had he done to deserve this voter disenfranchising effort and Super PAC bounty? Did Global Warming exist? Who invented FEMA and why? 'Do you love me?'

Staring into their eyes he knew that they really needed to hear it but like always, he was unaware that these are not just words and if he said it, it would be a lie. "Do you love me?" they whispered. "Do you love me?"

It would not be tonight. The answer was No.

I hope you appreciate the magnitude
 of your impending good fortune.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Go Ahead, Cornelius. You Can Cry.

If you're one of the lucky Americans who has electricity, isn't bailing water out of what's left of your house, or scrounging for food, you may have seen this video:

Maybe she's simply annoyed by the bombardment of political ads, but if I were a Bettin' Man, I'd say she senses the ongoing tension that the adults in her life are feeling so close to this Election Day. It's a really tight race. Dick skin tight. And I have no idea why.

Like him or not, you've seen Bronco Bama under pressure, and you've been living with his policies for the last four years. Maybe you agree with them, maybe you don't, but you've seen the alternative. Do you hate our president so much that you are not appalled and terrified by the thought of Mitt Romney pretending to lead the country? If you aren't reelecting Barack Obama, I've just got to know - what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, if you're a billionaire who happens to be a weasel, fine, I get it, two jets aren't enough, you want more. But other than that, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Mitt Romney doesn't like you. In fact, he hates you.

He's secretly taped calling you a moocher who refuses to take care of yourself, but he's still got your vote? He's telling you he'll create a job for you, but we all know he's going to send it to China like he ALWAYS does. Don't you know that? Freeport, Illinois does. He's going to take away your affordable health care and demolish Medicare. What part of that sounds good? Don't you know that he hasn't shown you his taxes because he's hiding his own money in the Caymans? He may be promising to lower your taxes, but he'll have to get rid of some of your deductions in order to do that. Do you understand what that means? He's raising your taxes, he's not lowering them. He changes the facts when it's convenient for his campaign, and there's not one policy he's stood by without reversing it later. Everything he says leaves me with the full body sensation of Fuck a Bunch of That. Take FEMA. 

During the Primary Debates he called the cost of FEMA "immoral" and that damage control should be left to the states or, even better, the private sector. Because we all know that first responders, the men and women who run into burning buildings, are doing it for the money...

Have you seen photos of the east coast this week? Does it look like any of these states are in a position to handle this? How many of the first responders came from the private sectors? When Governor Chris Christie comes forward to shower Obama with thanks, you know that states under water need a dry, outside fucking hand. It took the Romney camp two fucking days to come out with a statement flipping his opinion on FEMA from Get it Out of the Federal Government's Hands to "As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission..." Two fucking days. To come up with a statement. How long would it take him as president to respond to a disaster with action? Heckuva job, Romney.

For fuck's sake, I've been voting for close to thirty years now, and I've never seen anything like this. I'm not just talking about Dubya. I've been around long enough to remember Ross Perot and Dan Quayle. A puppet who had no business in politics, a businessman who had no business in politics, and a moron who had no business in politics. Mitt is all three. He lies about what he'll do as president because the truth would repulse you, he lies about what Obama does as president because the truth would cost him your vote, and those of you who are still going to vote for him are letting him get away with it. 

If President Barack Obama is reelected on Tuesday, I will know that this country is in habited by a majority who understand that it's time to listen to what Science tells us about Global Warming. I'll know that a woman's choice to take care of her own body will be protected by our President and the new Supreme Court Justice he chooses. I'll know that the country saw what I saw this week: Obama reacting quickly to help a drowning east coast while his competitor chose to stay in Ohio and campaign. Wednesday will be one of the most beautiful days of my life. 

But right now, I am Jack's cold sweat because half of you are voting for Mitt and in doing so you are voting against women, children, seniors, blacks, hispanics, homosexuals... Well. Anyone who isn't a very, very rich white male. There are enough of you keeping this race way too close. And I still don't understand how you've made it to voting age without choking on a marble or jamming a fork into an electrical outlet. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to us. 

I haven't been fucked like that 
since grade school.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Will the Real Mitt Romney Please Stand Up?

By now you know that Mitt Romney was secretly recorded while pointing out that he's an idiot:

His plan for dealing with the Middle East is to do nothing and hope for the best.
He has no idea what a dirty bomb is.
He thinks his only chance of winning the Latino vote would be to have been born to a Mexican father as opposed to an American who lived in Mexico.
He thinks 47% of this country is a lazy group of no-tax paying moochers who will vote for Obama because he gives us handouts.
His "job is not to worry about those people" Because he'll "never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."

So THAT's who Mitt Romney is. No wonder he's been so quiet about his policies. The robot is a pompous, arrogant, entitled fuckstick who dosen't realize his own father was on welfare for part of his life and would have been part of the 47% who'll never vote for him.

Does Mitt Romney have any advisers or did he fire them all and secretly replace them with Folgers Fucking Crystals? Because everything that comes out of his mouth is cringeworthy and completely un-presidential.

He doesn't seem to know that the 47% he just insulted are seniors who contributed to this society since Romney was a crying sack of dirty diapers who needed his mother to wipe shit off his balls.
The 47% he just insulted are Soldiers who risk their lives every moment of the day so that Romney can sit comfortably at home taking over companies, stealing their worker's salaries & pensions, and putting them out of work or sending their jobs overseas.
The 47% he just insulted are children who, luckily, don't have work in a sweatshop to contribute financially with an income tax because in this country we protect them from that shit. And you can thank Labor Unions for that, by the way.

And if you are a Republican, the 47% he just insulted is you too. You know that, right? Look at the Tax Foundation map of the Non-Payers by state, you'll see that the top 10 states are Red States. Republicans. Mississippi, Georgia, Arkansas, New Mexico, Alabama, South Carolina, Louisiana, Texas, Florida, and Idaho. In that order. And he just said his job is to not worry about you because you're a lazy piece of shit who doesn't contribute to our society, you want government handouts, and you'll never take responsibility for your own life.

To those of you trying to defend him, just stop. Stop saying Romney's being a businessman will help our country. His business didn't build anything, and he made millions of dollars for himself by dismantling existing businesses and strapping them with debt. Stop lying to yourselves about Romney's intent to create jobs because he put millions of people out of work and shipped their jobs overseas to increase his profit margin. And please stop saying you're for Small Government if you want that government to have a say in what I do with my uterus. Stop supporting this cunt. Have you no self respect? Stand up for yourselves. Stand up for each other. Have you no shame?

And to you, Mitt Romney, I know you thought your figures were referring to Obama voters. I know you were trying to say that those of us who want to reelect our President want to do so because we don't want to work. Well, Bitch, I pay more taxes than you and your thieving crony friends.

Tell me again that I'm a lazy, non tax paying layabout who just wants the government to take care of me. I have some paint brushes & power tools I'd like to introduce to the sloppy end of your digestive tract.

By all means, don't you worry about me. I've taken care of myself for many, many years, and I certainly don't expect you to help. Partly because I can do it myself, partly because you are incapable, and thankfully, because you will NEVER be in a position to do so.  The more you speak, the bigger that hole you're digging gets, and I guarantee that come November, you won't have to take care of anyone but that horse. And Rafalca, too.

Now would be a good time to show us your fucking tax returns.

A Voter, not a Victim

Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing

You are entitled to your opinion,
but you are not entitled to your own facts.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

When the Comic Gods are Smiling...

So I've got this great idea for a black comedy:

A group of Climate Change Deniers who are blind to a wide range of things from Scientific Facts to Human Kindness throw a huge party. Let's call it the Republican National Convention. But they pick a location with a tropical storm on the way. Let's call it Hurricane Isaac. Sounds exciting, huh? What are the chances that truth can shake them hard enough to open their eyes?

And before they start whining, I'd like to remind Eric Cantor and Ron Paul that they are opposed to FEMA.

Have a great time, guys!

The Storm is Coming

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Has No One Ever Shown Missouri How Babies are Born?

I would like to thank Todd Akin.

Not only is he stupid enough to admit that Republicans believe there are different kinds of Rape, his words add more proof that today's Conservative ignores Science to suit his politics.

Republicans are asking Akin to drop out of the Senate race, but not because they see his is a fucktard. They fear it will hurt Romney's chances in November. They publicly threatened to stop chucking SuperPac money his way, but I didn't believe they would actually stop feeding him money when I heard it, and today I see I am right. They may not all be bold enough to admit it like the Teabilly Fuckstick, but they want that White House seat, and they are going to buy it. You know it's true.

So let's get right to the words of the moron:

Any "doctor" who has told Akin or anyone else that the female body can shut down the ability to get pregnant at will, needs to have his/her medical license taken away. I won't even go into the Birth Control Industry and what they must have thought when they heard The News.

Anyone Missourian who still casts a vote for Todd Akin, should be required to take Biology 101 and pass the test before being allowed to vote or go outside where they might interfere with the public.

Anyone who agrees with Todd Akin's comments should be anally raped by someone with the AIDS virus and then told that as long as the rape was legit, their body can just shut out HIV.

I know Akin has said that he used the wrong words during that Jaco Report, but I don't actually care to hear what he really meant to say about "Legitimate Rape" or the science behind egg fertilization anymore than I care to hear my dog's explanation for why he likes to eat out of the cat's litter box.

So to Akin, Fred Berry, Bryan Fischer (who needs a tire iron to the head,) people who ignores scientific facts, and anyone who thinks that any kind of rape can be defined with words like 'legitimate,' allow me to paraphrase The Long Kiss Goodnight for my own words don't even come close:

I would like men infected with AIDS to ass-fuck you, and then tell you that as long as the ass-fucking was legitimate your body can shut down the mechanism that transmits the HIV virus. So if you're ass-fucking fans, go ahead and keep qualifying the word Rape with adjectives.


You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

PS - Watch it all. Paul Ryan is no different from Todd Akin. May a red hot poker be shoved far up his ass.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Friday, August 17, 2012

Stop Talking

The people this video is meant for are, very sadly, not smart enough to understand it. They don't believe in Science or facts, and would rather have Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, or Glenn Beck do all their thinking for them. And not one of those people are thinkers.

So listen up, all you Self-Proclaimed Christians, Homophobe, Racist, Anti semitic Teabilly Fucksticks who are so against paying taxes. The Republican ticket will not help anyone but the millionaires, and you will get to see just how much your taxes are going to go up if you vote for Romney and Ryan. 

If that video was too much for your feeble mind to comprehend, 
here's a stunningly inaccurate picture for you...

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Notify Sender of New Address

To Toyota Financial Services,

I understand from your correspondence to my late father that you are looking for his car payment on the Prius he leased from you. Perhaps you were confused when my brother returned the car and its keys to you, or maybe you did not understand his Death Certificate I faxed you, so allow me to explain: My most excellent father has died. He is no longer driving and no longer in need of a car. 

This may come as a shock to you - death is a sad, but inevitable end to life. It must be hard for you to lose a customer and his monthly payments, but if the loss of his money is causing you this much grief, allow me to suggest the hospice care grief-counseling that my brother and I turned to in our time of need. Don't forget - he meant something to us too.

Let it give you some comfort to know that if it weren't for the brutal and aggressive cancer that spread from his lungs to his brain, he wouldn't have needed your services at all. As he clearly explained to your salesman, he was only in need of simple and easy transportation to chemotherapy and Gamma Knife. Luckily, your kind employee saw his opportunity to save the earth from a 74 year old dying man's carbon footprint by sending him home with an expensive, top of the line Prius instead of the cheap, used vehicle he hoped for. How very considerate (and eco-friendly!) of your team.

Please know that although his cruelly slow and horrific end was torturous for our family, it also allowed us the time to say our I Love You's and Good-byes. At least we didn't lose him in a sudden and unexpected freak accident. You know - like one involving a vehicle that suddenly accelerates out of control. That sure would have sucked a bag of dicks.

Know that I am here for you if you still have something else to say about this tragic matter. I can do this all day and night and still have shit to say to you about it tomorrow.

As alway,
Suck My Dick.

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Too Much for a Blunt Instrument to Understand

In the wake of today's tragedy in Aurora, Colorado, let's make sure that some dumb cunt of a conservative gets a chance to say something Street Rat Crazy instead of looking in the mirror, rethinking his own policies, and, more importantly, SHUTTING THE FUCK UP.

This may be too much for an idiot to comprehend, but Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert is an Ass Hat, and anyone who voted him into office KNOWING he's an Ass Hat, is an Ass Hat too. If you are one of these Ass Hats, have someone explain to you that George Harrison solved the gun control issue years ago when he said "If everyone who had a gun just shot themselves, there wouldn't be a problem."

Then ask them to explain that you're dealing with a heat wave this summer because of Global Warming, that Mitt Romney isn't releasing more than 2 years of tax returns because he's hiding something very bad, and that the world economy crashed because of a few really rich, greedy conservatives. Then work on not being an Ass Hat anymore. Asshole.

The Choice is Yours

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

It's That Time Again.

Dear Diem,

Our records show that you are due for a Booby Squishing. Please call one of our schedulers to arrange your Booby Squishing appointment. On Squishing day, please avoid the use of anything that makes you stink or sweat less as it may affect the quality of the squished booby images we take. We recommend that you wear a two piece making it easier for our Booby Squishing technician to access, stretch, pull, flatten, and of course, squish the boobies. Thanks for choosing us for all your Booby Squishing & Box Doctor needs.

My Humps


You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

No More Foamy Yellow Dog Bile

Believe it or not, this is not a political rant, but, in fact, about vomiting dogs.

Our Pit Bull had a habit of yakking up almost every day, and the animal hospital down the street made a lot of money finding nothing that would explain why. They suggested we change his food, change his feeding times, spread out his feedings to decrease the amount of acid in his tummy, and finally, just accept that Pit Bulls have sensitive bellies.

Fuck a bunch of that.

We found an intelligent vet that cares about animals, and she suggested that he may have a food allergy. Her first guess was wheat flour, and the plan was to find a dog food and treat that didn't list wheat, see if he stopped puking, and go from there.

It worked - simple as that.

I have no need to bash one company or promote another, I just want to let you know what helped us. We were giving him Milk-Bones (which are wheat based) and found Nutro Ultra (which is brown rice.) We buy it from a chain pet store, and he hasn't stained the carpet since. Problem solved.

Dogs Rule the Night

For me, [dogs] are the role model 
for being alive - Gilda Radner

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Dear John,

Before you decide to engage me in any sort of political conversation, you'll need to make sure you have the ability to absorb facts and debate statements using reasonable arguments from whatever exists in your wealth of knowledge, because if you don't, your discussion skills are sorely lacking which will result in, not a dialogue, but a monologue of your regurgitated version of your favorite politicians' opinions and misinformation. Then you'll need to shut up and go the fuck away.

So there's that.

Blonde on Blonde

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Chicago vs. Chicago: Round 1

If I weren't from NYC, and if I didn't spend 14 years in Chicago, I don't know if I'd find this funny. But I am, I did, and I do. It's fucking hilarious.

Hurry up and make Round 2, Men...

Funky Shit

What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." - Ron Swanson

Take your panties off. - Craig Robinson

I like Seal. Does that make me gay? - The Juggernaut
No. If you like to have sex with boys, that makes you gay. - Nick Offerman

Sympathy, Empathy, and Spoilers

There's an episode of Law & Order: SVU which stars Stephen Rhea as a released convict who spent so much time in solitary confinement during his 19 years in prison, he's now damaged and using it as a defense for a new crime he's committed. Detective Stabler doesn't believe being alone for so long can be anything but relaxing, so he voluntarily puts himself through a weekend in the hole to prove he's right and then discovers that it does in fact suck a big bag of dicks. By the end of the episode Rhea is found guilty and again sent to solitary confinement, but Stabler's new perspective has him getting Rhea moved from the hole to gen pop.

A mile walk in another man's shoes can give you a new perspective, but there are some things you shouldn't need to experience to be kind, reasonable, and fair. Some shit just requires that you have a heart and not be so fucking stupid.

Now, the politics surrounding women's bodies has always been intrusive because it's always been in the hands of people who don't have vaginas, brains, or a heart, but any progress that's ever been made on our behalf is being repealed, bill by bill. It's as if their goal is to just have us be their reproductive concubines.

So let's talk about mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds, shall we?

Does someone really need to be raped to understand that when you are the unwilling recipient of something shoved into your body, it is rape? Because that one should be obvious even to those without a brain. If you break your arm and the doctor tells you that before you can have painkillers, x-rays, or a cast, you have to endure a completely unnecessary rectal exam, is that alright with you? Because these mandatory ultrasounds require a woman seeking an abortion to have an unnecessary procedure involving a 10 inch wand inserted into her vagina. There's no medical necessity to it - the law is there to scare women out of having an abortion. If a woman is unwilling to have this invasive procedure done, it is rape, and now, in the states where the law has passed, it's legal rape. Thank you, conservatives.

Do you really need to walk a mile in another man's shoes for this particular perspective? Do you need to have objects unnecessarily and unwillingly shoved into you to understand?

A few days ago I watched Pedro Almodóvar's La Piel que Habito (The Skin I Live In.) A grieving surgeon kidnaps his daughter's rapist - Vicente - cuts off his penis, and gives him a vagina. He explains to Vicente that the walls of his new vagina will stick together and close without the right therapy and then proceeds to show him, one by one, an assortment of vaginal dilators ranging from slender to a thickness resembling a fully erect penis. It will be up to Vicente to insert each dilator into his new vagina, starting with the thinnest, until he is able to get past the pain and work his way up to the thickest. The look of grief and sorrow on Vicente's face when he learns he no longer has a penis is indescribable, but the look of horror and fear it shows when he sees those dilators says everything I can't, and trying would only be the tip of the iceberg. Or vaginal dilator.

If only conservatives could understand the torture they're inflicting without having to go through something this extreme.

Then, last night, I see this. At 2 minutes and 30 seconds, you'll hear what I heard. And it wasn't on any news program I watch.

Do you see where the conservatives in this country are going? Do you get it yet? Because if you don't, the conservatives in the Supreme Court have just made it possible for you to gain that whole new perspective I was hoping you'd have.

Blue Monday

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

Friday, March 16, 2012

50 Bucks, Grandpa. For 75 the Wife Can Watch.

I'll be interested to see how the neo conservatives respond Santorum's Porn Attack seeing how they don't want to pay women to have sex... unless they have a right to watch...

Monday, March 12, 2012

Newt is to Algae as Bachmann is to HPV Vaccine Retardation

Newt Gingrich can say he's got a plan to bring the price of gasoline down just the way I can tell you he stores jelly donuts in his rolls of fat. Doesn't make either one of us right. Now, I don't have proof that my statement is incorrect, but I do have proof that his is. The fact is this: The price of petroleum is up because of fears of war between the US and Iran or Israel and Iran. Period.

I'm no expert on the subject; it just doesn't take much effort to research what experts on the subject have to say about it.

So go ahead, Newt. Mock ideas for new methods of fuel production and see how far our country gets. We'll be colonizing the moon in no time. Holy fuck, you are fucktarded. You too, Haley Barbour. Why don't you go pardon some more murderers...

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.