Thursday, August 16, 2012

Notify Sender of New Address

To Toyota Financial Services,

I understand from your correspondence to my late father that you are looking for his car payment on the Prius he leased from you. Perhaps you were confused when my brother returned the car and its keys to you, or maybe you did not understand his Death Certificate I faxed you, so allow me to explain: My most excellent father has died. He is no longer driving and no longer in need of a car. 

This may come as a shock to you - death is a sad, but inevitable end to life. It must be hard for you to lose a customer and his monthly payments, but if the loss of his money is causing you this much grief, allow me to suggest the hospice care grief-counseling that my brother and I turned to in our time of need. Don't forget - he meant something to us too.

Let it give you some comfort to know that if it weren't for the brutal and aggressive cancer that spread from his lungs to his brain, he wouldn't have needed your services at all. As he clearly explained to your salesman, he was only in need of simple and easy transportation to chemotherapy and Gamma Knife. Luckily, your kind employee saw his opportunity to save the earth from a 74 year old dying man's carbon footprint by sending him home with an expensive, top of the line Prius instead of the cheap, used vehicle he hoped for. How very considerate (and eco-friendly!) of your team.

Please know that although his cruelly slow and horrific end was torturous for our family, it also allowed us the time to say our I Love You's and Good-byes. At least we didn't lose him in a sudden and unexpected freak accident. You know - like one involving a vehicle that suddenly accelerates out of control. That sure would have sucked a bag of dicks.

Know that I am here for you if you still have something else to say about this tragic matter. I can do this all day and night and still have shit to say to you about it tomorrow.

As alway,
Suck My Dick.

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

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