Sunday, August 7, 2011

Keep your NASCAR. I want Planned Parenthood.

I wrote the following post for my friends on Facebook six months ago and was reminded of it again today when someone posted the following list on my FB wall: 102 Things NOT To Do If You Hate Taxes.  It's a lot more concise than my post and a lot less pissy, but I'm a huge fan of pissy...

There's a political division in our country, and its line is crystal clear. The simplest breakdown that comes to mind is the freshest wound: half of us want to spend our tax dollars helping women who need health care while the other half wants the Pentagon to continue using taxpayer dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams. Clearly this relationship has irreconcilable differences. I no longer believe the sentiment "United we stand, divided we fall," and I want a divorce. I won't lie and say "it's not you, it's me." It is definitely you. Please leave.

I know we both like this place and neither of us wants to go elsewhere, but I can no longer stomach your irrational ideas, and I know you'd rather not have to listen to me nag you with those Facts you hate so much, but the thought of having to survive you another year gives me the full body sensation of Not Fucking Tempting At All. Eventually, you'll invade some country and make yourself a new home, but until then, I'm willing to compromise. You should be happy about this because just yesterday I thought that rather than compromise, I'd rather put my fist though your teeth. There's something about people like you that just bring it out in me, I guess. We'll split the land and create two new nations: Blue North and Red South. This way, I, in Blue North, can keep Planned Parenthood, while you, in Red South, can have your NASCAR race team. I shudder just typing those words but cannot complain because now my tax dollars are not being used on something so low in priority I could scream. If that's how you want to spend your money, so be it. Just pack your things and your government and go. Let's do this amicably and avoid another Civil War. Our military is unavailable as they are overseas. I don't really know why they're not home with us, but they're not.

Don't get all pissy and start waving your gun, I hate when you do that. You can wave it all you want in your new country. Hell, you can shoot it. It's OK in Red South because everyone there knows their second amendment rights better than they understand how I chose which versions of "there" and "their" to use in this sentence. Sounds good to you, huh? Yeah, I thought so. Well I can sweeten the deal. Think of this: you may hang your confederate flag on any one of your new shack walls without having to watch me roll my eyes at you. The "you are so stupid" look (which I know you hate) that appears every time we try to discuss Global Warming (which I know you don't believe) will gently fade from your memory. Leave, and you'll never have to see it again! Trust me, when you get there and discover that your tax dollars still allow Water Boarding under Idiot Emperor Palin and Monkey Boy Beck, you too will breathe a sigh of relief that we are no longer together.

In fact, you may not even have to pay taxes! I know how much you hate those! Win! There's a glimmer in your eyes. I see you mentally pocketing your entire paycheck and saying goodbye to all the money you thought we were wasting on national endowments, museums, parks, welfare programs, Medicaid and Medicare, etc. Rand Paul is going with you so you can finally abolish federal funding for education Win win! Hey, you don't need to keep a single public library open! It's perfect because many of you headed for Red South don't read. Stop shaking your head. I'm pretty sure if you've found this Dear John letter, someone you call "College Boy" is reading it to you. Besides, not having a library saves you the hassle of burning its contents. And even though we all like a good bonfire, you won't have a fire department to put it out if it rages out of control so it would probably be more of a danger anyway.

Now that you don't have to pay for public schools, you don't have to worry about your kids learning anything naughty like Sex Education. That should keep them from having sex. Or Evolution. Also good. No point teaching that until you everyone in Red South has evolved a thumb. Those of you whose shriveled penises and uteruses still manage to help you reproduce can place your spawn in private schools that teach nothing but religion. Win win WIN! Of course, not everyone in Red South is of the same religion. I still don't understand how that happened, but a good brainwashing with lies and fabrications can affect anyone, I guess. And not everyone in Red South can afford private school because a lot of you are at poverty level. You'd think that someone who can barely afford to put food on the table would want a government that helps them instead of Big Business and corporations, but your spin doctors are that good. It's OK. The goal of your Religious Reich is to keep you as uneducated as possible. In theory, your ignorance will prevent you from asking them for things you need and deserve.

With all that religion and abstinence your schools teach, you are sure to keep your kids from getting pregnant. Wouldn't want a population explosion, would you? Now you just have to hope that no one rapes your wife, mother, daughter, or sister, because Red South can't afford prisons or a judicial system. Not that your judicial system would help you in this situation anyway.   It's just a matter of time before they successfully redefine that word. Besides, what's a little rape amongst dates? Let's just hope it's not one of YOUR family members, right?! Am I right? None of them are in danger of rape or anything, right? Let's see. I know a woman who was raped one night walking to her car, a woman who was raped when she entered her home and found an intruder there, a girl who was raped at 15 by her school teacher, and an 11 year old who was raped by a family friend. If all the women in your life can avoid, going out to their cars, coming home, going to school or being exposed to any of your friends, they may be able to avoid Forced Rape! And HEY! Not EVERY rape leads to pregnancy. Which is good, because Red South has overturned Roe v Wade. Yeah, let's hope you don't have too many rapists down there, because you sure as hell can't afford police. Or 911.

Wow. 911. That may be a problem. I hope you never have an emergency. It's not that you can't afford your own health care, it's just that you have no ambulances and it's only a matter of time before you will need someone to restart your black, black heart. Tick tock tick tock, ya know? Even if your car can go from 0 to 90 in under a second, the streets and bridges in Red South are in very bad shape. So watch what you eat! I know it makes you mad that Michelle Obama was trying to help your kids learn how to eat healthfully, but she had very good intentions. Stop believing Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. You'll see. Put down the Big Mac and just listen for once. You are so infuriating.

Look, I know you think that you can just invade Blue North and win me back, but please, don't make this difficult. A military is expensive, and Red South can't afford it. Maybe you can pay some taxes to help pay for an Army ... what? You still don't want to pay? OK. Are you sure? You have so many countries to pretend to worry about... Have it your way, it's your new country. Maybe you have a rich neighbor who's willing to sponsor them instead of those NASCAR teams. But it's his army, and they sure as hell aren't fighting for anything YOU want. Maybe some of your Barefooted and Pregnant in the Kitchen can get together and hold a Bake Sale. Treats for Tanks. Oozies for Uzis. I'm not good with naming things. Yeah, I don't think Blue North is in any danger.

Before you go, I just want to try one last time to help you understand, because in the long run, I think it's best you know the truth. Yes, it's hard for you to see it because when it comes to facts, you're blind in one eye and can't see out the other, but try. We need to talk about your Daddy.

Now I know you hate when I insult him, but one day, I'm hoping you'll understand that he is behind this whole mess. Damn. The shit he says when he's in the passenger seat! It's funny how he likes to talk about the deficit he started and blame it on MY side of the family. Can't seem to understand that my memory goes back a few years. And he lied when he said he would make our lives better if we gave him back the car keys. Watch him waste time with talk of things that rile us up so we don't notice that he's not taking us anywhere we want to go. He's hoping we don't notice that he's not trying to balance the budget. He's trying to strip us of any rights we have to fight for a better life. Catch him off guard and he will accidentally admit it only 47 seconds into the conversation.

You may think he's going to let you earn some of that Big Corporate Money he flaunts in front of us, but he is lying. How much did we loan him a few years ago when he needed us to bail him out of that mess with his gambling buddies? And what did he do when we asked him to pay it back? I could've told you that the only Trickle Down you'd feel is blood from your asshole. So ironic that he's homophobic. You're never going to see one red cent, because every penny you take is one he can't have. His mansion at the top of the hill blocking your hut from any sun may feel like a loving shade, but I assure you the UV rays can still get through so wear your sunblock!

By the way, your Mama needs to back away from the camera. "We need more Spudnut moments?" That's  an Oscar Wilde quote, right? She's a spent piece of trash and can't make a good Bloody Mary.

It's getting late; time you headed out. I had a great time; it was like the Nuremberg Trials. Have fun at your Tea Party. Don't forget to drink the whole cup, sometimes the poison's at the bottom.

The Golden Age

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.

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