Go Ahead, Cornelius. You Can Cry.

If you're one of the lucky Americans who has electricity, isn't bailing water out of what's left of your house, or scrounging for food, you may have seen this video:

Maybe she's simply annoyed by the bombardment of political ads, but if I were a Bettin' Man, I'd say she senses the ongoing tension that the adults in her life are feeling so close to this Election Day. It's a really tight race. Dick skin tight. And I have no idea why.

Like him or not, you've seen Bronco Bama under pressure, and you've been living with his policies for the last four years. Maybe you agree with them, maybe you don't, but you've seen the alternative. Do you hate our president so much that you are not appalled and terrified by the thought of Mitt Romney pretending to lead the country? If you aren't reelecting Barack Obama, I've just got to know - what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, if you're a billionaire who happens to be a weasel, fine, I get it, two jets aren't enough, you want more. But other than that, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Mitt Romney doesn't like you. In fact, he hates you.

He's secretly taped calling you a moocher who refuses to take care of yourself, but he's still got your vote? He's telling you he'll create a job for you, but we all know he's going to send it to China like he ALWAYS does. Don't you know that? Freeport, Illinois does. He's going to take away your affordable health care and demolish Medicare. What part of that sounds good? Don't you know that he hasn't shown you his taxes because he's hiding his own money in the Caymans? He may be promising to lower your taxes, but he'll have to get rid of some of your deductions in order to do that. Do you understand what that means? He's raising your taxes, he's not lowering them. He changes the facts when it's convenient for his campaign, and there's not one policy he's stood by without reversing it later. Everything he says leaves me with the full body sensation of Fuck a Bunch of That. Take FEMA. 

During the Primary Debates he called the cost of FEMA "immoral" and that damage control should be left to the states or, even better, the private sector. Because we all know that first responders, the men and women who run into burning buildings, are doing it for the money...

Have you seen photos of the east coast this week? Does it look like any of these states are in a position to handle this? How many of the first responders came from the private sectors? When Governor Chris Christie comes forward to shower Obama with thanks, you know that states under water need a dry, outside fucking hand. It took the Romney camp two fucking days to come out with a statement flipping his opinion on FEMA from Get it Out of the Federal Government's Hands to "As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission..." Two fucking days. To come up with a statement. How long would it take him as president to respond to a disaster with action? Heckuva job, Romney.

For fuck's sake, I've been voting for close to thirty years now, and I've never seen anything like this. I'm not just talking about Dubya. I've been around long enough to remember Ross Perot and Dan Quayle. A puppet who had no business in politics, a businessman who had no business in politics, and a moron who had no business in politics. Mitt is all three. He lies about what he'll do as president because the truth would repulse you, he lies about what Obama does as president because the truth would cost him your vote, and those of you who are still going to vote for him are letting him get away with it. 

If President Barack Obama is reelected on Tuesday, I will know that this country is in habited by a majority who understand that it's time to listen to what Science tells us about Global Warming. I'll know that a woman's choice to take care of her own body will be protected by our President and the new Supreme Court Justice he chooses. I'll know that the country saw what I saw this week: Obama reacting quickly to help a drowning east coast while his competitor chose to stay in Ohio and campaign. Wednesday will be one of the most beautiful days of my life. 

But right now, I am Jack's cold sweat because half of you are voting for Mitt and in doing so you are voting against women, children, seniors, blacks, hispanics, homosexuals... Well. Anyone who isn't a very, very rich white male. There are enough of you keeping this race way too close. And I still don't understand how you've made it to voting age without choking on a marble or jamming a fork into an electrical outlet. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to us. 

Where Were You Hiding When the Storm Broke

I haven't been fucked like that 

since grade school.