Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Scary Monsters

Came home and did a quick Facebook check before going to bed. My friend posted a link with the caption "Hilarious" and it had a bunch of Likes so I clicked on it. Hilarious? No. Something that pissed me off enough to come here and bitch about it? Oh, fuck yes.

This link is a compilation of people who Tweeted about how they didn't get what they wanted for Christmas. Kids, I'm guessing, who are mad that they didn't get an iPhone, iPad, or car. That's right - a car. Or they're mad they got a Kindle Fire instead of something else. And they hate their parents for ruining their Christmases. And they have no shame going online to admit it. The whole thing baffles me.

So I need to ask the people having these children a really important question: What the FUCK are you doing?

At what point did you decide you could, or should, raise a child? If you were just going to raise a pathetic fucking sack of cum, why didn't you pull out and collect it in a jar? Better yet, why didn't you wear a fucking condom and just keep it when you were done? You could have spent your life giving it anything or nothing and it would never complain. You could have saved everyone the misfortune of coming across it in public and having to be horrified by its awful attitude. With a little bit of luck, the GOP wouldn't one day give it the right to vote so we wouldn't need to worry about its pathetic, greedy, self involved opinion. That right there is a Holy Trinity of why abortion should always remain legal - just incase you fuck again.

And don't you tell me not to call your kid a sack of cum, because if your kid goes by @ZachBell20 on Twitter, he just called you a cunt for not getting him an iPhone. I don't know who leads a more useless existence - you, who are raising the equivalent of Athlete's Foot, or the Athlete's Foot who was lucky enough to receive the education he needed to learn to spell, type, and use the computer to show off his fucking education.

As an outsider to Christmas, I have found joy in the general feeling of happiness amongst people I come across during this time of year. But currently, people are on such a quest to buy shit their kids are just going to be complaining about, and they're pepper spraying anyone who gets in their way. Even the Christmas ads leave me with a bad taste, and not just because they start in September. This year Best Buy had a campaign whose theme was to One Up Santa. I'm Jewish, and it still pissed me off. Santa - benevolent, generous guy whose purpose is to give. Leave it to a fucking corporation to fuck with the concept of Giving.

The upside to this whole thing? The glimmer of hope I find coming out of the horrific little shits being raised by horrific cunts? I wasn't alone in my anger.

Just to make sure the link wasn't made up, I did a Twitter search on some of the more awful complainers and found that others had been there before me. And they made an evening of telling each of the spoiled brats what they thought of them.

Leon Bernard aka Sk8boardLee26, who Tweeted that Christmas sucked because all he got was a Camero and iPad, has responded with a video on YouTube pleading his case. It takes awhile, but he eventually explains that regardless of the gifts he received, his Christmas sucked because he's active duty and hasn't been with his family for Christmas in three years. I'll buy that. Of course, if his original intent was to share how sad Christmas was because he missed his family, there are more informative sentences. Like - I'd give all my Christmas presents away in exchange for family time.

Veronica Moriarty aka VBellz_Moriarty, who "cried for like 2 hours straight" because she didn't get a car has removed her Twitter account. I can only imagine what invisible people on a computer screen said that made her run off and hide.

And my favorite flap of skin, the aforementioned Zachary Bell aka ZachBell20, who hates his cunt of a father who had eight months to get him the iPhone, but didn't produce it by this Christmas - his Twitter account is down too... But it wasn't last night. I wish I'd copied the remark because it was pretty fucking brilliant, and I'm now unable to credit its owner: "The only thing I ever got from my Dad was molested when I was 10. But at least I got an iPhone!"

Beat on the Brat

Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.


  1. My four and a half year old wanted a teddy she could dress up and was ecstatic to get it on Christmas morning. Her letter to Santa last year: 'Dear Santa. I wish you a Merry Christmas. Love, Katie.'

    She did, however, sulk a bit when I opened my copy of Sonic Generations on Xbox and she didn't have one. I really hope that wasn't the start of something...

  2. I think "Dear Santa, I wish you a Merry Christmas," says it all. Well done, my online friend...