Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I have never kept a journal. I'm sure they are of great use, but I myself don't have enough interesting things to say that require writing.

I DO have lots of shit I will forget unless I write it down, so I have kept notebooks filled with completely unrelated stuff. One page will have a shopping list, the next a sketch of something I want to build, and it's soon followed by a picture of a pretty home I ripped out of a magazine. The only times I've filled more than a page for any topic has been to log miles for a specific job or when I've had to keep track of certain events just in case I was called upon to testify.

These Notebooks don't get tossed. Each has a list of Books I want to read, quotes I heard somewhere, or personal information I'd rather shred before tossing in the trash but am too lazy or tired to do so. More importantly, they each have enough empty pages that I can still write on.

Today I broke out the soft Brown Suede One that fits nicely in my purse and couldn't help looking at the last pages I'd written in. Let's see: a circled reference number with no reference to what it was referring to, a To Do list from January 8, 2009 or 2010, a list of Super Foods that I was hoping would cure all my MS symptoms, and the first draft of a letter I wrote that starts out "Dear Cunt." Hmmm.

"Dear Cunt,

To the best of my knowledge, I don't default on any of the paperwork for my company credit card. I know every purchased item NOT reported on the bank's website before the upload date is defaulted and leads to a page of paperwork for you, so considering how much purchasing I must do for this job and considering how diligent I have always been about keeping my purchases updated, you should be sucking my dick in gratitude. How many other employees are as careful? Do you CC their boss and boss' boss when you think they fuck up? No, you Dirty Whore.

Do you remember that I'm the one who found the default tricks on that webpage because of how much I use it?

Do you realize that for the past month my entire body has been numb, I've lost hearing in my ear, I can barely pee, I shit blood everyday, I can't walk or stand without assistance, and yet while this has been going on I've still come to work just to update that fucking website because it's not available to off campus computers? And you have the audacity to email me a reprimand for defaulting? How is it everyone but you knows I would have been on sick leave if it weren't for the fact that my boss is an unsympathetic vaginal blood fart?

Do you realize you followed your first lame ass email with a second which correctly names the culprit, tells me to Never Mind, yet has NO APOLOGY for incorrectly accusing me of messing up an entire month's worth of work purchases which happened, by the way, during Not Only the hardest time of my life, but during a period of time when we ALL KNOW I wasn't driving or doing any purchasing because I spent most of that time in an MRI? How about a little compassion you anorexic, stupid bowl of hair? How about you eat a sandwich and do your job right?

If you so much as look at me wrong from here on out, I will never stop smacking you."

Just a first draft. If I remember correctly, my brother and husband advised me to ignore her two emails and not reply. Probably best. I doubt I would have done a lot of editing.

I Hate You So Much

You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.
Fucking act like it.


  1. A truly wonderful rant ! reminds me of http://youtu.be/k3MAoxZtqdA Malcolm Tucker in full sail ..

  2. That clip is fucking brilliant! I need to start watching The Thick of It...