All the Money in the World Can't Guarantee a Sure Thing.

'It could be tonight,' he thought as he stood in the corner pretending to have a good time. He would find out tonight. All his young life, he had dreamed of a position like this. The White House, Commander in Chief, The President. "President", by the way, is spelled with an "s". The President has power. Real, executive Power.

Now as for personality traits, he needed none. He just had to lie about his position on the issues and lie all the time. 

To arrive at this moment he had traveled vast distances enduring many hardships. A summer in France to avoid going to war, tuna and pasta, debates with crazy people, you name it.

Inside his head, he could see it. It was perfect. He knew almost nothing about the people and they didn't know much more about him. It was exactly how it was supposed to be.

He brought the clan of stupid to his Boston Headquarters. The lights were soft, the moment was right. Then they leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Do you love me?"

Thoughts raced through his mind. Did they really want him? What had he done to deserve this voter disenfranchising effort and Super PAC bounty? Did Global Warming exist? Who invented FEMA and why? 'Do you love me?'

Staring into their eyes he knew that they really needed to hear it but like always, he was unaware that these are not just words and if he said it, it would be a lie. "Do you love me?" they whispered. "Do you love me?"

It would not be tonight. The answer was No.

Scent of Lime

I hope you appreciate the magnitude

 of your impending good fortune.

Go Ahead, Cornelius. You Can Cry.

If you're one of the lucky Americans who has electricity, isn't bailing water out of what's left of your house, or scrounging for food, you may have seen this video:

Maybe she's simply annoyed by the bombardment of political ads, but if I were a Bettin' Man, I'd say she senses the ongoing tension that the adults in her life are feeling so close to this Election Day. It's a really tight race. Dick skin tight. And I have no idea why.

Like him or not, you've seen Bronco Bama under pressure, and you've been living with his policies for the last four years. Maybe you agree with them, maybe you don't, but you've seen the alternative. Do you hate our president so much that you are not appalled and terrified by the thought of Mitt Romney pretending to lead the country? If you aren't reelecting Barack Obama, I've just got to know - what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, if you're a billionaire who happens to be a weasel, fine, I get it, two jets aren't enough, you want more. But other than that, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Mitt Romney doesn't like you. In fact, he hates you.

He's secretly taped calling you a moocher who refuses to take care of yourself, but he's still got your vote? He's telling you he'll create a job for you, but we all know he's going to send it to China like he ALWAYS does. Don't you know that? Freeport, Illinois does. He's going to take away your affordable health care and demolish Medicare. What part of that sounds good? Don't you know that he hasn't shown you his taxes because he's hiding his own money in the Caymans? He may be promising to lower your taxes, but he'll have to get rid of some of your deductions in order to do that. Do you understand what that means? He's raising your taxes, he's not lowering them. He changes the facts when it's convenient for his campaign, and there's not one policy he's stood by without reversing it later. Everything he says leaves me with the full body sensation of Fuck a Bunch of That. Take FEMA. 

During the Primary Debates he called the cost of FEMA "immoral" and that damage control should be left to the states or, even better, the private sector. Because we all know that first responders, the men and women who run into burning buildings, are doing it for the money...

Have you seen photos of the east coast this week? Does it look like any of these states are in a position to handle this? How many of the first responders came from the private sectors? When Governor Chris Christie comes forward to shower Obama with thanks, you know that states under water need a dry, outside fucking hand. It took the Romney camp two fucking days to come out with a statement flipping his opinion on FEMA from Get it Out of the Federal Government's Hands to "As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission..." Two fucking days. To come up with a statement. How long would it take him as president to respond to a disaster with action? Heckuva job, Romney.

For fuck's sake, I've been voting for close to thirty years now, and I've never seen anything like this. I'm not just talking about Dubya. I've been around long enough to remember Ross Perot and Dan Quayle. A puppet who had no business in politics, a businessman who had no business in politics, and a moron who had no business in politics. Mitt is all three. He lies about what he'll do as president because the truth would repulse you, he lies about what Obama does as president because the truth would cost him your vote, and those of you who are still going to vote for him are letting him get away with it. 

If President Barack Obama is reelected on Tuesday, I will know that this country is in habited by a majority who understand that it's time to listen to what Science tells us about Global Warming. I'll know that a woman's choice to take care of her own body will be protected by our President and the new Supreme Court Justice he chooses. I'll know that the country saw what I saw this week: Obama reacting quickly to help a drowning east coast while his competitor chose to stay in Ohio and campaign. Wednesday will be one of the most beautiful days of my life. 

But right now, I am Jack's cold sweat because half of you are voting for Mitt and in doing so you are voting against women, children, seniors, blacks, hispanics, homosexuals... Well. Anyone who isn't a very, very rich white male. There are enough of you keeping this race way too close. And I still don't understand how you've made it to voting age without choking on a marble or jamming a fork into an electrical outlet. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to us. 

Where Were You Hiding When the Storm Broke

I haven't been fucked like that 

since grade school.

Will the Real Mitt Romney Please Stand Up?

By now you know that Mitt Romney was secretly recorded while pointing out that he's an idiot:

His plan for dealing with the Middle East is to do nothing and hope for the best.
He has no idea what a dirty bomb is.
He thinks his only chance of winning the Latino vote would be to have been born to a Mexican father as opposed to an American who lived in Mexico.
He thinks 47% of this country is a lazy group of no-tax paying moochers who will vote for Obama because he gives us handouts.
His "job is not to worry about those people" Because he'll "never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."

So THAT's who Mitt Romney is. No wonder he's been so quiet about his policies. The robot is a pompous, arrogant, entitled fuckstick who dosen't realize his own father was on welfare for part of his life and would have been part of the 47% who'll never vote for him.

Does Mitt Romney have any advisers or did he fire them all and secretly replace them with Folgers Fucking Crystals? Because everything that comes out of his mouth is cringeworthy and completely un-presidential.

He doesn't seem to know that the 47% he just insulted are seniors who contributed to this society since Romney was a crying sack of dirty diapers who needed his mother to wipe shit off his balls.
The 47% he just insulted are Soldiers who risk their lives every moment of the day so that Romney can sit comfortably at home taking over companies, stealing their worker's salaries & pensions, and putting them out of work or sending their jobs overseas.
The 47% he just insulted are children who, luckily, don't have work in a sweatshop to contribute financially with an income tax because in this country we protect them from that shit. And you can thank Labor Unions for that, by the way.

And if you are a Republican, the 47% he just insulted is you too. You know that, right? Look at the Tax Foundation map of the Non-Payers by state, you'll see that the top 10 states are Red States. Republicans. Mississippi, Georgia, Arkansas, New Mexico, Alabama, South Carolina, Louisiana, Texas, Florida, and Idaho. In that order. And he just said his job is to not worry about you because you're a lazy piece of shit who doesn't contribute to our society, you want government handouts, and you'll never take responsibility for your own life.

To those of you trying to defend him, just stop. Stop saying Romney's being a businessman will help our country. His business didn't build anything, and he made millions of dollars for himself by dismantling existing businesses and strapping them with debt. Stop lying to yourselves about Romney's intent to create jobs because he put millions of people out of work and shipped their jobs overseas to increase his profit margin. And please stop saying you're for Small Government if you want that government to have a say in what I do with my uterus. Stop supporting this cunt. Have you no self respect? Stand up for yourselves. Stand up for each other. Have you no shame?

And to you, Mitt Romney, I know you thought your figures were referring to Obama voters. I know you were trying to say that those of us who want to reelect our President want to do so because we don't want to work. Well, Bitch, I pay more taxes than you and your thieving crony friends.

Tell me again that I'm a lazy, non tax paying layabout who just wants the government to take care of me. I have some paint brushes & power tools I'd like to introduce to the sloppy end of your digestive tract.


By all means, don't you worry about me. I've taken care of myself for many, many years, and I certainly don't expect you to help. Partly because I can do it myself, partly because you are incapable, and thankfully, because you will NEVER be in a position to do so.  The more you speak, the bigger that hole you're digging gets, and I guarantee that come November, you won't have to take care of anyone but that horse. And Rafalca, too.

Now would be a good time to show us your fucking tax returns.

Signed,
A Voter, not a Victim

Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing

You are entitled to your opinion,

but you are not entitled to your own facts.

When the Comic Gods are Smiling...

So I've got this great idea for a black comedy:

A group of Climate Change Deniers who are blind to a wide range of things from Scientific Facts to Human Kindness throw a huge party. Let's call it the Republican National Convention. But they pick a location with a tropical storm on the way. Let's call it Hurricane Isaac. Sounds exciting, huh? What are the chances that truth can shake them hard enough to open their eyes?

And before they start whining, I'd like to remind Eric Cantor and Ron Paul that they are opposed to FEMA.

Have a great time, guys!

The Storm is Coming

Has No One Ever Shown Missouri How Babies are Born?

I would like to thank Todd Akin.

Not only is he stupid enough to admit that Republicans believe there are different kinds of Rape, his words add more proof that today's Conservative ignores Science to suit his politics.

Republicans are asking Akin to drop out of the Senate race, but not because they see his is a fucktard. They fear it will hurt Romney's chances in November. They publicly threatened to stop chucking SuperPac money his way, but I didn't believe they would actually stop feeding him money when I heard it, and today I see I am right. They may not all be bold enough to admit it like the Teabilly Fuckstick, but they want that White House seat, and they are going to buy it. You know it's true.

So let's get right to the words of the moron:

Any "doctor" who has told Akin or anyone else that the female body can shut down the ability to get pregnant at will, needs to have his/her medical license taken away. I won't even go into the Birth Control Industry and what they must have thought when they heard The News.

Anyone Missourian who still casts a vote for Todd Akin, should be required to take Biology 101 and pass the test before being allowed to vote or go outside where they might interfere with the public.

Anyone who agrees with Todd Akin's comments should be anally raped by someone with the AIDS virus and then told that as long as the rape was legit, their body can just shut out HIV.

I know Akin has said that he used the wrong words during that Jaco Report, but I don't actually care to hear what he really meant to say about "Legitimate Rape" or the science behind egg fertilization anymore than I care to hear my dog's explanation for why he likes to eat out of the cat's litter box.

So to Akin, Fred Berry, Bryan Fischer (who needs a tire iron to the head,) people who ignores scientific facts, and anyone who thinks that any kind of rape can be defined with words like 'legitimate,' allow me to paraphrase The Long Kiss Goodnight for my own words don't even come close:

I would like men infected with AIDS to ass-fuck you, and then tell you that as long as the ass-fucking was legitimate your body can shut down the mechanism that transmits the HIV virus. So if you're ass-fucking fans, go ahead and keep qualifying the word Rape with adjectives.

Testify

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.

PS - Watch it all. Paul Ryan is no different from Todd Akin. May a red hot poker be shoved far up his ass.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Stop Talking

The people this video is meant for are, very sadly, not smart enough to understand it. They don't believe in Science or facts, and would rather have Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, or Glenn Beck do all their thinking for them. And not one of those people are thinkers.

So listen up, all you Self-Proclaimed Christians, Homophobe, Racist, Anti semitic Teabilly Fucksticks who are so against paying taxes. The Republican ticket will not help anyone but the millionaires, and you will get to see just how much your taxes are going to go up if you vote for Romney and Ryan. 

If that video was too much for your feeble mind to comprehend, 

here's a stunningly inaccurate picture for you...

You Talk Too Much

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.

Notify Sender of New Address

To Toyota Financial Services,

I understand from your correspondence to my late father that you are looking for his car payment on the Prius he leased from you. Perhaps you were confused when my brother returned the car and its keys to you, or maybe you did not understand his Death Certificate I faxed you, so allow me to explain: My most excellent father has died. He is no longer driving and no longer in need of a car. 

This may come as a shock to you - death is a sad, but inevitable end to life. It must be hard for you to lose a customer and his monthly payments, but if the loss of his money is causing you this much grief, allow me to suggest the hospice care grief-counseling that my brother and I turned to in our time of need. Don't forget - he meant something to us too.

Let it give you some comfort to know that if it weren't for the brutal and aggressive cancer that spread from his lungs to his brain, he wouldn't have needed your services at all. As he clearly explained to your salesman, he was only in need of simple and easy transportation to chemotherapy and Gamma Knife. Luckily, your kind employee saw his opportunity to save the earth from a 74 year old dying man's carbon footprint by sending him home with an expensive, top of the line Prius instead of the cheap, used vehicle he hoped for. How very considerate (and eco-friendly!) of your team.

Please know that although his cruelly slow and horrific end was torturous for our family, it also allowed us the time to say our I Love You's and Good-byes. At least we didn't lose him in a sudden and unexpected freak accident. You know - like one involving a vehicle that suddenly accelerates out of control. That sure would have sucked a bag of dicks.

Know that I am here for you if you still have something else to say about this tragic matter. I can do this all day and night and still have shit to say to you about it tomorrow.

As alway,

Suck My Dick.

Mean Mr. Mustard

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.