When the Comic Gods are Smiling...

So I've got this great idea for a black comedy:

A group of Climate Change Deniers who are blind to a wide range of things from Scientific Facts to Human Kindness throw a huge party. Let's call it the Republican National Convention. But they pick a location with a tropical storm on the way. Let's call it Hurricane Isaac. Sounds exciting, huh? What are the chances that truth can shake them hard enough to open their eyes?

And before they start whining, I'd like to remind Eric Cantor and Ron Paul that they are opposed to FEMA.

Have a great time, guys!

The Storm is Coming

Has No One Ever Shown Missouri How Babies are Born?

I would like to thank Todd Akin.

Not only is he stupid enough to admit that Republicans believe there are different kinds of Rape, his words add more proof that today's Conservative ignores Science to suit his politics.

Republicans are asking Akin to drop out of the Senate race, but not because they see his is a fucktard. They fear it will hurt Romney's chances in November. They publicly threatened to stop chucking SuperPac money his way, but I didn't believe they would actually stop feeding him money when I heard it, and today I see I am right. They may not all be bold enough to admit it like the Teabilly Fuckstick, but they want that White House seat, and they are going to buy it. You know it's true.

So let's get right to the words of the moron:

Any "doctor" who has told Akin or anyone else that the female body can shut down the ability to get pregnant at will, needs to have his/her medical license taken away. I won't even go into the Birth Control Industry and what they must have thought when they heard The News.

Anyone Missourian who still casts a vote for Todd Akin, should be required to take Biology 101 and pass the test before being allowed to vote or go outside where they might interfere with the public.

Anyone who agrees with Todd Akin's comments should be anally raped by someone with the AIDS virus and then told that as long as the rape was legit, their body can just shut out HIV.

I know Akin has said that he used the wrong words during that Jaco Report, but I don't actually care to hear what he really meant to say about "Legitimate Rape" or the science behind egg fertilization anymore than I care to hear my dog's explanation for why he likes to eat out of the cat's litter box.

So to Akin, Fred Berry, Bryan Fischer (who needs a tire iron to the head,) people who ignores scientific facts, and anyone who thinks that any kind of rape can be defined with words like 'legitimate,' allow me to paraphrase The Long Kiss Goodnight for my own words don't even come close:

I would like men infected with AIDS to ass-fuck you, and then tell you that as long as the ass-fucking was legitimate your body can shut down the mechanism that transmits the HIV virus. So if you're ass-fucking fans, go ahead and keep qualifying the word Rape with adjectives.

Testify

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.

PS - Watch it all. Paul Ryan is no different from Todd Akin. May a red hot poker be shoved far up his ass.

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Stop Talking

The people this video is meant for are, very sadly, not smart enough to understand it. They don't believe in Science or facts, and would rather have Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, or Glenn Beck do all their thinking for them. And not one of those people are thinkers.

So listen up, all you Self-Proclaimed Christians, Homophobe, Racist, Anti semitic Teabilly Fucksticks who are so against paying taxes. The Republican ticket will not help anyone but the millionaires, and you will get to see just how much your taxes are going to go up if you vote for Romney and Ryan. 

If that video was too much for your feeble mind to comprehend, 

here's a stunningly inaccurate picture for you...

You Talk Too Much

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.

Notify Sender of New Address

To Toyota Financial Services,

I understand from your correspondence to my late father that you are looking for his car payment on the Prius he leased from you. Perhaps you were confused when my brother returned the car and its keys to you, or maybe you did not understand his Death Certificate I faxed you, so allow me to explain: My most excellent father has died. He is no longer driving and no longer in need of a car. 

This may come as a shock to you - death is a sad, but inevitable end to life. It must be hard for you to lose a customer and his monthly payments, but if the loss of his money is causing you this much grief, allow me to suggest the hospice care grief-counseling that my brother and I turned to in our time of need. Don't forget - he meant something to us too.

Let it give you some comfort to know that if it weren't for the brutal and aggressive cancer that spread from his lungs to his brain, he wouldn't have needed your services at all. As he clearly explained to your salesman, he was only in need of simple and easy transportation to chemotherapy and Gamma Knife. Luckily, your kind employee saw his opportunity to save the earth from a 74 year old dying man's carbon footprint by sending him home with an expensive, top of the line Prius instead of the cheap, used vehicle he hoped for. How very considerate (and eco-friendly!) of your team.

Please know that although his cruelly slow and horrific end was torturous for our family, it also allowed us the time to say our I Love You's and Good-byes. At least we didn't lose him in a sudden and unexpected freak accident. You know - like one involving a vehicle that suddenly accelerates out of control. That sure would have sucked a bag of dicks.

Know that I am here for you if you still have something else to say about this tragic matter. I can do this all day and night and still have shit to say to you about it tomorrow.

As alway,

Suck My Dick.

Mean Mr. Mustard

You are the result of four billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.